The Cultural Intersection Between Birth and Adoptive Parents

I thought I'd post the paper I wrote in my intercultural communications class. Sorry, it's about 9 pages, but I think it's an interesting subject. When the movie Juno came out, the screen writer's idea came from wanting to make a movie about the dynamics and interaction between an adoptive couple and birth parents (NPR)- exactly what I had tried to examine in the paper I wrote the semester before. This movie has become a huge hit which I love because it gets people thinking about adoption. It sort of humanizes birth and adoptive parents to the general public rather than labeling them like most media has in the past- although there are still some concepts they didn't seem to grasp like the birth mother's love for her baby-it's a good start.
-Nicole


The Cultural Intersection of Adoption written by Nicole
Sometimes, it is perfect oppositeness that compliments two co-cultures into harmony. A co-culture refers to a “non dominant cultural group that exists in a national culture” (Martin &Nakayama 226). Within the United States there are two of these non dominant social cultures that when they touch, they experience within their interaction a dramatic power shift that occurs in only a matter of months. It is the interaction between couples who are hoping for a domestic, open adoption of an infant, and birth parents that choose to place their baby for adoption. With the opportunity to interact with those from different backgrounds, there comes the chance for misunderstandings, but many feel it rewarding to partake in this fascinating association. Interactions may take place via the internet, over the phone, at face to face meetings before the baby is born, at the time of placement, and even throughout the adopted child’s life. Evolution in the types of communication available during the adoption process has led to varying degrees of openness. Openness in adoption refers to the “degree of openness or confidentiality desired by both parties” (Johnston. 101, para. 2). Openness will mean different things to different people. To some, it means that they have once met the birth parent, or exchange letters, while to the more extremely open it may mean having a relationship where they share identifiable information and maybe even vacation together. In closed adoptions, birth parents have only their imagination to turn to for comfort that their child was given a good home. With a degree of openness added into the equation, birth parents can feel relief and a sense of closure in the fact that their child is being cared for better than circumstances would have allowed them to provide. Most importantly, though is that the child know firsthand that they are loved by their birth parents, rather than feeling like a piece of themselves is missing. During the time that closed adoptions were the law, there was no seam where birth and adoptive parents met, for they were forbidden to, “know the names or location of his or her baby’s adoptive parents but also did not communicate with them either before or after the birth of the baby” (Blume & Burton. 102 para.1). Obviously, when closed adoptions were the only option with agencies, it was the case worker who got to make the decision as to whom and where the baby would go after its birth. For this time in history, it was the case worker who held the greatest amount of power on the control index. Fear of birth parents coming back to reclaim their biological child, and children not finding out that they were adopted until near or late adulthood causing a life crisis, has been deemed unnecessary and replaced with stories being read to children since birth about the special fact that they were adopted. Healthy relationships are being formed between the two disparate types of families. Relationships between birth parents and adoptive children and their families can be tricky to work out as it involves setting boundaries and dealing with very emotionally driven issues such as childlessness, pregnancy, grief and varying back grounds. Wendy, (last name withheld) an adoptive mother of 4 stated that, “the culture gap between adoptive parents and birth parents can be very, very wide—far wider than most of us would encounter in daily life” (LDSAdoptiveparents). She points out that between her and her children’s birth moms, there are obvious differences in their racial heritage, ethnic background, and socioeconomic levels. Wendy and her husband were raised on a farm in a rural area, while her birth moms came from what they described as “bad neighborhoods in the inner city” (LDSAdoptiveparents). Despite these differences, Wendy asserts that she considers it amazing and miraculous that, “So many adoptive families and birth parents develop such close, loving relationships! As far as how those relationships develop— I can’t really say, other than that both parties are exceptionally motivated to cross those cultural bridges! I don’t think I’ve ever been as motivated to understand someone or work hard to love someone as I have our birth moms. I want it so intensely that I’m willing to move out of my comfort zone and connect with them however I can.”

I am hoping to become a parent through adoption. It is an intricate journey to be considered worthy by an adoption agency and meet all the state requirements. At times I have felt as if my husband and I were unfairly on trial as we have had to, in essence, prove ourselves as a prerequisite to becoming parents. I understand why it is done, and am glad that it is not overly easy to adopt a baby for the protection of the children, but my frustration has stemmed from a feeling that other co-culture and minorities must be familiar with. It’s the observation that it just comes so easily for the majority, who seem to take it for granted, the way that Caucasians do their unearned white privilege.
My husband and I once had both face to face and email correspondence with a birth mom who was considering us as adoptive parents for her baby. I can relate with the rollercoaster of emotions felt as we waited 4 months for her to make her decision and ultimately decide to parent. We were devastated when something that we cared so deeply for was so completely out of our control. Before the birth mother relinquishes her parental rights, her decisions are supreme, while adoptive couples feel extremely low on the power index of control.
Birth parents also share feelings of shock and loss of control after learning they are unexpectedly pregnant, but laws, doctors, adoption agencies and lawyers are there to protect them as the sole decision makers for their unborn child. For birthparents that choose adoption, their index of control is extremely high, even if they are minors. They may choose the adoption agency they go through, receive benefits such as free counseling, medical, and even living expenses during the pregnancy. They can be very specific about the adoptive parents they’d like for their baby with preferences in demographics such as where the adoptive couple lives, their income, schooling completed, what they look like, personalities and even if they have pets.
A 1995 survey of teenage birth mothers shows that only 1%-2% actually chose adoption, while single parenting is a much more popular option of about 50%. Out of those who seriously consider adoption, only about 50% will follow through with an adoption plan (Johnston. 28 para.3). It is a rarity for someone to make such a courageous and selfless decision as to make the emotional sacrifice of allowing someone else the opportunity to raise their child in order to give them a chance at a better life. It is too bad that birth parents experience many unpleasant things such as harsh judgments for having an unplanned pregnancy, lack of social support, and stereotypes that include images of women that are apathetic, uncaring, or heartless for being able to consider “giving their baby away.”
Like childless couples, the birth mom who chooses to place her baby for adoption will likely be painfully witnessing other pregnant women that are basking in baby showers, being asked excited questions about if it’s a boy or a girl, what they’ll name it, and what color the nursery will be. In contrast, the birth mother may be dealing with both pressure and opposition of family members, friends, and perhaps the birth father regarding her decision to consider adoption. She will likely be experiencing insensitivity to the fact that she loves and is attached to her baby.
After the baby is born and usually after 2 days when the birth parent revokes their parental rights, there is a major role shifting as the birth parent looses all power on the control index. A birth mom, (name withheld) posted a comment on the 2ofus4now web site on August 5, 2007 about what we call in our infertility group well-meaning-but-insensitive-comments. During her grief after revoking her parental rights, she said people said things like, “I know someone who placed her baby for adoption, then got married…and had more children!” but April’s response was, “That's nice, but right now my milk is still coming in and I can't stop crying. Maybe later we can discuss that.” She also heard the comment, "Don't worry, someday you'll have more children." Her response was, “Yeah, I hope, but it still doesn't hurt any less. Trust me. There's no replacing the first.” One of the worst comments she felt was when people would say, "How nice of them [the adoptive parents] to send you pictures and letters!!" Her response, “Grrr.... how nice of me to struggle and choose them, then give birth and let that precious spirit go- not easy folks.” While the birth mother is grieving and trying to heal, the adoptive parents are celebrating their inexpressible gratitude and bliss, as they feel a sense of control when the power is shifted to them—usually after waiting years for this to occur. Adjusting and bonding at this time can create a conflict between the seams. The adoptive parents experiencing joy may feel guilty or responsible for the birth parents grief. The birth mother experiencing grief may have feelings of regret and jealousy towards the adoptive couple.
Angie, an adoptive mom of 3 tells of when she and her birth mom met at the seam, and a child was placed with her. She found herself,
“moving rapidly from near-depression over my state of childlessness to overwhelming joy at the prospect of finally being a mother. At the moment I received my life’s greatest desire and the fulfillment of my maternal dreams, my child’s birthmother was brokenhearted and grief-stricken at her loss. That sadness crossed over to my side in the form of not only great empathy but also some guilt. Additionally, however, I believe that our happiness also crossed over to her and she was able to find peace and comfort in the pleasure we derived from even the simplest moments with our child, knowing that he was in the arms of parents who not only loved him as she did, but could provide the things (physical, emotional, and spiritual) for him that she could not” (LDSAdoptivecouples).

Adoptive couples can cause much heartache to the birth parents when the power is shifted to them and they decide to go back on previously made negotiations regarding contact after placement. An adoptive parent, at this time is held to no legal obligation to further contact with birth parents even though they previously decided on specific understandings such as how often letters or pictures will be sent. They somehow forget what it feels like to be on the low end of the power index of control when they decide it is no longer necessary to hold up their end of the bargain. I once heard someone recommend that when you are deciding upon boundaries, it is best to keep your guard one level above what you are actually comfortable with, that way, if things go well, you can extend the opportunity for more openness. Having the option to later offer more, is advantageous because you are not starting with boundaries that reflect the max you are comfortable with- leaving greater chance to grow, rather than possibly having to retract. Other times, the boundaries may change to create more healthy environments for the child involved. For example, if it is felt that the birth parent is consistently over stepping their boundaries, adoptive parents may have good reason to withdraw their contact regardless of previous pacts.
Wendy confesses that she realizes that,
“However difficult it may be for [her] to bridge…differences, it's probably harder for [birth parents]. As [adoptive] parents, we hold all the cards. We have legal and physical custody of the child, and we determine to what extent the adoption is open or closed. We usually have a more stable life situation, and generally have more education and information, more money and access to resources, and greater social support (for example, my husband and I get to be saints for adopting our children; their birth moms are painted as sluts who turned their backs on their children. It's SOOOO unfair--but that's the way parts of society treat the adoption triad). It's an uneven relationship, in terms of power. So I find that I'm constantly trying to do everything I can to bridge the gap, since I realize that it's unfairly tipped in my favor” (LDSAdoptiveparents).
One adoptive mom named Emily had to redraw boundaries as she was faced with the challenge that she could not keep up with her feelings of indebtedness to her birth mom. She feels that she and her husband “Are in a position of debt and gratitude and responsibility. I felt that I needed to do all I could to take care of our birth mom by sending letters and pictures and communicating”(LDSAdoptiveparents). But there came a time that Emily, “was no longer happy with the care-taking relationship with my son's birth mom, and started opening up to her. It had been 2 1/2 years since his birth. Up until then, our communication was all about her. We talked about our lives, but only the parts that would make her feel good” (LDSAdoptiveparents). Emily was able to resolve her feelings of having an unequal relationship by opening up to her son’s birth mom. Emily began to share her struggles with the birth mom such as infertility and having a hysterectomy that she had previously been leaving out. She says that her next email she noticed a world of difference. She says of her child’s birth mom, “It was like her eyes had been opened. All this time she was thinking about how hard her life was, but never considered how hard mine was” (LDSAdoptiveparents). In closing, there is a notion surrounding the adoption triad that says that birth mothers "give up their babies," and that infertile couples, "give up trying for babies." Those who look closer, though, know that nothing about this process involves giving up. It involves giving more, giving selflessly, and giving a better chance at forever. Adoptive applicants must try hard to offer more than average in various ways for the children who will come into their home. The birth moms give their baby a stable family that will treasure this child’s life in a way that words can not express. She changes the lives of husbands and wives who through her gift, become parents (McLean). Both groups come together, and offer, in a beautiful way, a solution to the other’s trying circumstance which is enhanced through the art of communication.


Work Cited

Martin, Judith, and Thomas Nakamaya. Intercultural Communication in contexts. New York City: McGraw-Hill Co, 2007.

McLean, Michael. From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours. Salt Lake City: Shadow Mountain, 2007.

Johnston, Patricia. Adoption is a Family Affair! What Relatives and Friends Must Know. Indianapolis: Perspectives Press, Inc., 2001.



Blume, Monica, and Gideon Burton. For the Love of a Child. Salt Lake City: Deseret Book, 2005.



Oakes, Krista. "yahoo group". 2ofus4now. October 7, 2007 .



LDSAdoptivecouples. “yahoo group” October 7, 2007 (Founded Dec 21 2004) .